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- 2. NOT QUITE READY FOR ROMANCE: Younger teenage boys find dating tough to handle - Top
- NOT QUITE READY FOR ROMANCE: Younger teenage boys sometimes find dating tough to handle.(TODAY)(RELATIONSHIPS)
Author/s: Farah Fleurima
Issue: March 3, 2000
At 14, Will Giles has witnessed and withstood the victories and defeats of breaking up, making up and affection gone AWOL.
Though he enjoys dating, for the most part, if he had to do it over again, he'd put it off.
"I thought I got on a little too soon," the ninth-grader says. "I didn't know what to do."
If the results from a recent Penn State University study are an indication, many boys Will's age feel the same, yet continue to date. And the study suggests that such behavior can harm boys' self-esteem and that boys are more vulnerable in dating relationships than previously thought.
The study found that boys report being "in love" more often than girls. But boys usually bring fewer intimacy skills into the dating arena, and with early-adolescent relationships being what they are - intense and brief - it's boys who end up having a harder time bouncing back when they end.
In early adolescence, boys find themselves in relationships before they're fully equipped to handle them, says Dr. Bonnie Dowdy, associate professor of psychology at Dickinson College in Pennsylvania and co-author of the Penn State study.
"What we found was that boys who don't want to be in a relationship but are in one have more negative feelings about themselves," she says. "Boys tend to build their relationships by doing [activities]; girls tend to build relationships by sharing. Girls have more practice in self--disclosure than boys do.
"It could be that boys feel less con-
fidence in their skills because they have less practice in sharing intimate information."
Boys who feel they have taken a huge risk in entering a relationship - and therefore sharing information about themselves - have a harder time bouncing back when it's over, Dr. Dowdy says.
Daniel Lopez, 14, says he's witnessed the fallout from friends' breakups. Unlike many of his peers, he has opted to put off dating and the emotional upheavals that go with it.
"What happens when you date, a
little piece of you tends to go with every person and less of you stays with you," he says. "A little piece of your heart and soul and mind is scattered all over the place."
So why are boys throwing themselves into the relationship ring? Often, others are pulling them in. Teenagers have a host of expectations placed on their growing shoulders when they begin dating. Expectations from the opposite sex, from friends, from what they think society expects of them.
Before he began dating, Will says he felt pressure from "most of my guy friends" to start dating.
Dating makes you feel great about yourself, says Addison Brown, 13. But breaking up or not dating can hurt, too.
"[When you're dating] you just think, "Hey, I'm with a girl,' " says Addison, who says he's been going out since the fourth grade. "If you're not dating, it's kind of like a bummer. It's like you got this thing tied around your neck that says, "Hey, you're a loser.' "
Daniel says he thinks dating would throw off his priorities.
"I think it'd probably be a distraction in my life," he says. "I go out with friends here and there, but nothing special."
Still, other boys, when in their early teens, demonstrate the ability to begin and maintain meaningful, long-term relationships.
Austin Switser met his girlfriend, Jamie Chupik, when they were 15, and they've dated for more than two years. Although, like Daniel, he'd seen his peers wade through many relationships, he says during his time with Jamie he has never felt the need to do the same.
"Everyone else kind of looked up to us for having such a long-lasting relationship," Austin says. "I don't think there was any pressure for me [about] why I am still with this girl."
Indeed, to date with confidence, boys should try to ignore the expectations of others and rely on their own sense of what to do in a relationship, says Jeremy Daldry.
Mr. Daldry offers advice based on his own teenage dating experiences in The Teenage Guy's Survival Guide, a book that discusses, among other topics, navigating those first awkward relationships.
Pressure from friends is the worst reason to begin dating, he says, but if they decide they're ready, young teens certainly shouldn't shy away from it.
"No one should feel that they are doing something before they are truly ready; however, the pull of peer pressure can be huge and impossible to resist," Mr. Daldry says. "I don't think kids are dating too early - although there is no doubt that they are - because it's only by trying new stuff that we can find out if we like it."
The London-based author says, "The hardest thing teenage people have to face is to be true to themselves. You'll make mistakes - but you can go on from there and learn."
But some boys, possibly as a way to mask their lack of intimacy skills or keep from getting hurt, employ the macho stereotypes they learn through the movies and television and from one another.
"Both boys and girls bring in a whole set of expectations that are equally harmful," says Dr. Dowdy. "Girls expect this romantic encounter," while boys sometimes hope for a sexual encounter much like what they see on TV.
Such mind-sets of "scoring" on a date only land boys in trouble, Mr. Daldry says. In his book, he frequently addresses respect and etiquette for boys, such as when he writes that they shouldn't always expect an after-date kiss.
"I personally think that is quite important, to instill in teenage boys that just because you buy a girl pizza doesn't mean they owe you anything," he says. "Especially for younger teenagers, they might think that because of TV and movies.
Part of why Mr. Daldry penned the Survival Guide was because he felt teenage boys needed true-life information to dispel the dating myths they've learned from TV and movies. But sources of that information, Mr. Daldry feels, are often missing for boys.
"I think the biggest misconception [about boys] is that boys have no need for emotional support. I think girls and boys are emotionally going through the same thing. There's more of a support structure in place for girls that boys don't have."
Many boys seem to learn about the heartaches and pleasures of dating on their own. But they say they also find support and advice from friends.
Although Will says he would primarily go to his friends for dating tips, he has had positive experiences talking with his parents. "Whenever I have gone to them, they always know what to say. They always know the answers," he says.
And Will, who thinks he stepped onto the dating scene a little early, adds that despite starting out unsteadily, he's settling into dating quite nicely, thank you.
"I'm definitely getting used to it."
COPYRIGHT 2000 The Dallas Morning News, L.P.
- Updated: May 22, 2001
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