• Knowledgebase: Parenting Questions

    Questions about the managment of common parenting problems such as discipline.

    6. Many Parents Need Counseling on Discipline - Top

    Many Parents Need Counseling on Discipline
    May 2001  PEDIATRIC NEWS
    BY CARL SHERMAN, Contributing Writer

    Pediatricians can help parents resolve discipline problems by encouraging them to apply the principles of behavior modification with a "template" that they can adapt to diverse situations, Dr. Barton A. Schmitt said at the annual Masters of Pediatrics conference sponsored by the University of Miami.

    The most effective approach combines a clearly articulated rule, well-chosen consequences, substitution of a preferred behavior, and modeling supplied by the parent, said Dr. Schmitt, director of general pediatric consultations at the Children's Hospital, Denver.

    The rule should be given with some sort of reason, such as "it hurts" for "no biting," or "it hurts my ears" for "no screaming in our house."

    There are many possible consequences to be used in shaping behavior, and it is usually best to start with the least intrusive and most energy conserving—such as avoiding certain settings, structuring the environment with latches and gates, or ignoring the misbehavior. Verbal or nonverbal disapproval must be forceful but not violent.

    Logical consequences are particularly useful for children who have reached the age of reason: removing a possession or privilege, for example. Poor consequences are yelling, lecturing, and physical punishment, Dr. Schmitt said.

    It is more effective to give children adaptive replacement behaviors than simply to forbid the undesired one. Teach children how to clean up a messy room, for example, rather than punish them when they don't keen their room clean.

    Role modeling is extremely important. "If the parent can't give up adult temper tantrums, there's little hope children will give up theirs," he said.

    Dr. Schmitt suggested that time-outs are a valuable strategy that many parents fail to use effectively. This involves temporary isolation in a boring place—such as a chair, a corner, or the child's room—to allow him or her to regain control. The duration is ideally 1 minute for each year of the child's age.

    To parents who object that their children simply refuse to obey time-outs, Dr. Schmitt advocates "resetting the timer" when the child escapes and physically holding the

    child in place if this recurs. Tantrums during a time-out can be ignored. "You don't have to be quiet in a time-out."

    This is the treatment of choice for the irrational years of one to three, and is indicated for aggressive behavior or severe tantrums at any age, he recommended.

    "Every child needs more than limits," he said.

    Each time out should be balanced by a "time in" of physical affection such as a touch or embrace. Compliments should exceed criticisms. Parents also should be sure to also spend 10 minutes of "special time" with the child daily, giving him or her complete attention and doing something the child enjoys.

    In counseling parents, pediatricians should help them avoid extremes of leniency or harshness in discipline. Mild spanking—a single swat on the buttocks or leg, through clothing, with an open hand—is still socially acceptable and probably does no harm if little good. "I don't debate this with parents," Dr. Schmitt said.

    On the other hand, harsh physical punishment—using a paddle or belt, hitting the child until he or she cries, slapping the face, or shaking the child—should be strongly opposed. All it does is cause children to become angry and aggressive. Failure to provide firm discipline creates spoiled, manipulative children. They don't follow rules or obey commands to stop, they insist on having their own way, and they frequently whine or throw tantrums. "Teachers, and eventually the parents themselves, don't like these children," he said.

    There is a "mini-epidemic" of spoiled children, many of whom were raised by the most loving, devoted, caring parents. "If left to their own devices, most children would spoil themselves," Dr. Schmitt said.

    Parents must be educated that limits are essential for teaching children to deal with waiting and frustration. "It's the parent's job to set limits, and the child's to object to them.... If your child likes you all the time, you're not being a good parent," he said. - Updated: May 18, 2001

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